Once Upon A Are You Kidding Me? I Can’t Even Edition.

by Deborah on April 20, 2013

Let’s start with the positive, because GoD only knows there isn’t much of it. The actors on this show are damned fabulous. Generally, they’re given crap to work with and they still act their asses off– particularly Robert Carlyle and, lately, Barbara Hershey and Rose McGowan. Then there’s Jane Espenson, fantastic writer. Between her and the actors, they manage to spin shit into sterling silver. (Let’s face it, guys. They’re not Rumplestiltskin, and their base material isn’t even straw.)

There are also moments on Once Upon a Time that are so heartrendingly perfect, though, that every misstep in plotting, characterization, and pacing is thrown into ever more glaring relief.

Here’s one: Regina shoved her mother’s heart back inside her chest and Cora gave her daughter one brilliant, heart-felt smile of love and adoration. The next moment, she falls dying into Regina’s arms. There’s just enough life left in her to cry, “This would have been enough. You would have been enough.”

No one mourns the wicked: most misleading Broadway song ever.

And another: Rumplestiltskin, earlier in the episode, believes that he may actually die. Belle is still mindwiped and in the hospital, but he wants to reach out to her one last time — just to thank her, to try to give her some beauty to hold on to. He calls her up and says, “I know that you’re confused about who you are, so I’m going to tell you. You are a hero who helped your people. You are a beautiful woman who loved an ugly man. Really, really loved me. You find goodness in others and when it’s not there you create it. You make me want to go back, back to the best version of me. And that’s never happened before. So when you look in the mirror and you don’t know who you are, that’s who you are.”

This is followed by a heart-wrenching and laugh!sob-inducing moment between Rumplestiltskin and his estranged son Baelfire. It is absolutely no surprise that all of these scenes occurred during Espenson’s latest episode, “The Miller’s Daughter.”

And then there’s the rest of it. Let’s get started with the grossest offenders, shall we? Each of these points come courtesy of nonsense in 2.13-16, or “Tiny,” “Manhattan,” “The Queen is Dead,” and “The Miller’s Daughter.”

Field full of magic beans…no Rumplestiltskin. Wait, what?

{ 2 comments }

Midnight Blue-Light Special: Monster Bigots, 3 for 1

by Deborah on March 14, 2013

Seanan McGuire's Midnight Blue-Light SpecialA couple of weeks ago, I read Midnight Blue-Light Special by Seanan McGuire.

This is a book in which some speciest assholes with a vendetta against an awesome-pants family and a whole world’s worth of innocent-and-not cryptids decide to come to NYC and throw down on a ballroom-dancin’, ball-bustin’, arsenal-carryin’ honey. (Who is the local rep of said awesome-pants family.) If you foresee bad things happening to the speciest assholes, I would generally be all “Here! Have a cookie!” Except I’m sorry to tell you that these are militant, sorcery-packin’, zealous speciests who are indoctrinated, not dumb. So the book is a bit of a nail-biter along with a hoot-out-louder. It also comes complete with dragon princesses, cuckoo-induced terror, a sometimes-wolfbear Lolita, and talking religious mice. Honestly, though, that’s not even the half of it.

Right about now, you should have already ordered this book from your favorite book purveyor. If you haven’t, you might be asking yourself: “Self, why should I read Midnight Blue-Light Special?” I would interrupt this conversation with yourself to pose another question: “You mean, besides the fact that you read Discount Armageddon and this is the sequel?” And, if you haven’t read Discount Armageddon, what the hell? Are you allergic to fun? Because, seriously: so much fun. (I realize some people were apparently allergic to the cover, but that’s why GoD created ebooks and those handy paper book covers you get for free with every book purchase in Japan.)

Anyway, without further ado, here are 5 Reasons Why You Should Read Midnight Blue-Light Special:

1. Aeslin mice.Aeslin mice!

Yes, they’re talking mice. This could be pretty boss by itself (if you’re also into Disney), but then you add in that they’re religious talking mice who have adopted the Healys (and their descendants, said awesome-pants family) as their Gods and priestesses. Their oral religion preserves the family history, and they have elaborate festivals and solicit offerings of “CHEESE AND CAKE!” They’re also tough little buggers who go hunting and wear the bones of their enemies, using them for religious regalia and instruments. They do dance numbers, but Cinderella’s dopey mice they ain’t (though they are often hilarious). This paragraph just does not do justice to these tiny, intelligent mice that pervade the novel and burrow into your affections. Just trust me on this one.

Four more compelling reasons this-a-way!

{ 0 comments }

Everyday I’m Ruzzlin’

by Deborah on February 13, 2013

You guys. YOU GUYS. I am so done. I am finished. Send support because I am permattached to my smartphone. Okay, that’s patently untrue. I’m not writing this on my phone (though I COULD BE). My phone is, in fact, charging because I played Ruzzle to the point of the battery’s exhausted collapse. (I wouldn’t let that stop me, but the phone is charging and the outlet’s not near the couch.)

Yeah, I said the R-word. RUZZLE. WHAT.

Stop. Ruzzle time!

Have you not heard of Ruzzle? I would ask how could you not, except I only heard about it a week ago. It entered my life as a nonsense word that my (fantastic!) friend Rei kept throwing around. Asking me if I was ruzzlin’. I’d give her a weird look and move on, which is pretty impressive given the number of weird conversations we have. Foolishly, I never asked what it was all about. I think I assumed it was a fashion game I’d seen her playing previously.

Of course, then Rei mentioned it was a word game. And then that shit was on.

Now, I am the beginner’s beginner. I still think I have a hella awesome first round if I break 200 points, and a sweet-ass final round if I break 700. I still fumble with my swiping, and stare dumbly at the screen for a precious second before moving. Needless to say, people are kicking my ass. Rei trounced me 6 times before she took pity on me and went to bed.

Of course, by that point, it wasn’t a mercy. I didn’t care if I was losing. I had to keep playing.

I’ve got 4 games going right now. I feel a bit shaky. My husband is discoursing learnedly to me about Aliens: Colonial Marines and I’m all “wow,” and “really?” and “you don’t say” while my eyes are glued to my smartphone and mentally I’m all “AD DEALS SHADY WED TOTAL FIE FILE FILES WHY ISN’T FAP A WORD IT’S ON THE INTERNET.”

I’d ask you to send help, but I honestly just want you to invite me to a game.

(Username is geekdame, obvs.)

{ 0 comments }

Superbowlin’.

by Deborah on February 4, 2013

Virtuously, I rolled out of bed at quarter to noon yesterday morning and set about making guacamole.

…what? Sunday’s my day off, okay. Besides, I was reading Keturah and Lord Death, and I was very much invested in reaching through the pages, shaking Keturah’s shoulders, and making her realize she was in love with a certain anthropomorphic personification.

Right, so, I made guacamole. It was delicious. My plans for the day featured watching the Superbowl commercials and ignoring the game– you know, standard operating procedure. However! In an absolutely shocking reversal, the Superbowl game actually turned out to be more interesting than the commercials. I mean, the commercials this year overall were hardly interesting, and certainly infantile, and often racist. (Really, Volkswagen? I can’t even.)

Still, I got some amusement out of it:

1. Star Trek Into Darkness.

Since 2009′s Star Trek, I’ve been primed for this one. I don’t need some big mystery to keep me hooked, and I’ve been irritated by Abrams refusal to reveal the villain. It wasn’t a big deal at first, but now it’s all anyone’s talking about: who is Benedict Cumberbatch? This trailer left me all “THANK YOU! FOR FUCK’S SAKE, JJ. WAS THAT SO HARD?!” with a sense of relief. It seems pretty clear to me now that Star Trek Into Darkness is all about Khan.

2. Got Milk? The Rock edition.

I got nothing to say about this. I just love it.

3. Coke Chase, which sounds disturbingly like it has to do with drugs.

This was one of those problematic ads, but I was a tiny bit amused by the Mad Max marauders and the bus full of showgirls (which I prefer to think of as a Priscilla Queen of the Desert reference).

4. Bud Light voodoo commercials, of which “Lucky Chair Journey” is one.

Another problematic ad! Severely – and only here so I can quote @Zhombiehunter, AKA Jamelle: “I’m sorry but if you’re in NOLA, you aren’t drinking shitty Bud Light.” Agreement five. I mean, honestly. (Also here because Zoe Saldana is super pretty.)

5. Iron Man 3.

I’ve embedded the extended look trailer for you here, which includes a hilarious bit at the beginning (courtesy of RDJ). The trailer I saw during the actual game just had the plane-rescue bits, which left me grumbling, “That’s it?” (This extended preview meant there were posts like this one up on Tumblr within twenty minutes. Loving it.)

6. Calvin Klein: Are you serious?

This is what happened on Twitter after this Calvin Klein ad aired:

Deborah: I was supposed to LOL at the Clavin Klein ad, right? Because, yeah, LOLs.
Sasha Reinhardt: I know! I cannot take anyone that makes that face seriously. #BlueSteel
Deborah: MAGNUM.
Sasha: YES.

I would not have been surprised to find Ben Stiller suddenly in the middle of that ad.

7. Mercedes-Benz acknowledges you’ve been selling them your soul all this while.

Mercedes-Benz has been playing “Sympathy for the Devil” over some of their commercials for a couple of weeks now, and it’s been perplexing me. I’m glad to finally have this one explained. Also, Willem Dafoe has now played both Jesus and Satan! He should get some sort of prize for that.

 

Random commentary: Kaley Cuoco is in all the ads now, which amuses me on a meta level. I imagine it’s Penny getting the gigs and the Big Bang Theory boys are all star-struck that she got to work with William Shatner. Cousin Avi is shilling for Xfinity, and the Doritos commercials get more disturbing every year. The less said about the GoDaddy ad the better, and there was supposedly a trailer for The Lone Ranger, but I missed it.

Anyway, I’m glad the ghost of Edgar Allen Poe smiled upon the game and smote the Ravens’ opponents with the multihammer of living entombment, sharpened pendulums, and death hypnosis. He’s a good literary god to have the back of your football team.

 

 

P.S. There was an actual blackout in the middle of the Superbowl, which meant poor Elementary fans suffered an extra hour of football. It also saw Twitter explode in equal parts “Oh shit, Bane!”, “Damn, Beyonce killed it”/”Plug Beyonce in! She’s got enough juice!”, and Katrina references.

{ 0 comments }

Beautiful Creatures, Not So Much

January 30, 2013

Recently, I was watching an episode of Once Upon a Time, which meant I was doing a good impression of a potentially disturbed person by cursing at my television, pausing the DVR to hold my head in my hands, and striding around angrily at opportune moments when the characters were particularly stupid. There may even [...]

Read the full article →

Tiger Jack: Beast of the Galaxy

January 23, 2013

As you all know, we are on the Internet and that means I’m contractually obligated to show you all pictures of my cats. That is what is about to happen here, but I guarantee you it’s worth your while. Wanna know why? Because one of my cats – Tiger Jack! the Explorer – is actually [...]

Read the full article →

Once Upon A Are You Kidding Me? Outsider Edition.

January 20, 2013

Once Upon a Time! Why do you keep hitting yourself? More importantly, why do you keep hitting your AUDIENCE? Look. I really like you, okay. Like, REALLY like you. I don’t want to break up. You fill an important place in my life, and you’re making fairy tales more seriously mainstream even with all your [...]

Read the full article →

Honey Badger Don’t Care About Warm Feet

January 16, 2013

Let me tell you about Sock Dreams. Based out of Portland, Oregon, they are basically the preeminent online destination for anyone who wants something soft, fuzzy, and/or stylish to put on their feet. (And arms, and legs…) They have a storefront, and sometimes let you wander through the warehouse. People have gotten to do this. Such [...]

Read the full article →

← Previous Entries